Whole again…
You know when you’re talking to someone you know and they say they’ve lost themselves, I never was able to understand what that meant. How can you lose yourself? Did you go missing in a shopping center? Or did you fly off to Europe without telling anyone? I never understood it until now, because I always assumed I knew what was going on with me at all times, and because I felt I understood my head so well, I never really asked whether what I was feeling was good or bad, I just allowed myself to feel. Now I’m not saying it was bad to feel the things that I did, I’m human after all, and whatever emotions I feel are organic to me, but I guess when you reflect, you can sometimes realise you don’t recognise yourself as all.
This is confusing I know, I guess what I’m saying is, I lost myself…in the process of running with my feelings, I lost sight of where I was! I am a whole person, I have so many sides to myself, but I became predominately one side, and that side…well she was vulnerable, and unstable, and in the process of that I lost all the other sides of myself! I realise now in hindsight what that meant, and more importantly, how not to become that person solely again. I’m not saying one shouldn’t be vulnerable at times, or even unstable to an extent, that’s part of being human, it’s part of who I am, but when it’s solely who you turn into, well it overpowers all the other sides, sides which are integral.
I lost myself, and I realise now looking back, it was not completely my fault, it might not have even been half my fault, I got caught up, I got insecure, but on reflection I realise where I went wrong, were I lost control. It helps that,reflecting, for months I wasn’t reflecting, I was dwelling, completely different concept which never allowed me to realise what was happening. No,reflecting is a whole other matter, not one that should overpower your whole life, but there are times in life where it is necessary, to move on, and become whole again.
I am whole, and the things I have learned will guide me in the future to not make the same errors that led me to losing myself. I am more….wise, I am more aware,and it makes me a far far stronger person.
I guess I just wished I learned these things earlier…I could have saved some things, or maybe avoided them altogether.
They are all steps, learning along the way…it’s the only way, and I know a lot of people out there that ignore it all, run away from it really, they are the ones who will continue on the same cycle, living the same frustration and pain over and over.
I don’t know if I have found myself for good, I don’t know if there won’t be moments in the future where I lose myself again, and I won’t beat myself up if it does happen, but I am wiser to it, and I think that means if it does happen, I won’t be lost for long :)