The Meaning Of Events.

I have thought a lot recently, blame it on my self indulgent nature of contemplating life, or my self deprecation, but I think a lot about how I fail as a person…how I wish certain aspects of myself didn’t exist. How I wish I could be better.

Here’s the part that I have come upon recently, something that has come tome through recent experiences, through conversations and through the exploration of those I view as better than me, those that inspire me and probably make me realise my inadequacies on another level. What I realised is obvious, that no one is perfect, that everyone has tough aspects of themselves,that everyone battles with their thoughts and their personality. However, these parts are built up from their experiences, and their experiences make them who they are. We would be very shallow simple people without that, no stories to tell, no emotion to express.

And then it hit me. I may be difficult, I may have struggles within myself and anxieties, but without all those parts, I wouldn’t be me! Now a long time I resented that, because I didn’t want to be me…at least not in the whole package sense, but what I have noticed recently is the outstanding and fascinating beauty of struggles. How brilliantly interesting the harder parts of a person can be, and most importantly, how that it essential to allowing them to create.

An example, because I feel I am being too metaphorical. J.K. Rowling, this lady had just lost her mother, she was penniless and at some stages clinically depressed…something I’m sure she thought of at the time as harrowing, parts where she probably felt ashamed, where she wasn’t being the best person she could be. But then, her experiences were Harry potter, her uniquely beautiful views and thoughts, her darker times and struggles…Harry Potter would not have been what it was without her experiences. And that is what I mean.

Take any musician or songwriter you admire, and more often than not the songs are about pain, or hurt, or they struggle with themselves and life. Their unique thoughts, and they are unique, because their art would not have existed if it had not been for who they are and what they have been through.

If I fail at life, if at the end of it all no one cares about my photos, or wants to book me, at least at the end I will know I used whatever I am as a person, a person unique through my thoughts and experiences, I used that to create. And no one else has that ability but me to create what I do…because,simply put, they are not me.

I think from now I need to accept the negative, embrace it even, the part when I go into mini fits of rage, the bits where I cling to people, and need reassurance and comfort. Because it’s not everything that I am, but those parts are essential to what I do, and often, those are the parts that drive me to create! More so than the happy content parts really, because experience and emotion, that is when creating means more to you…when it’s more about therapy than fun!

I guess what I’m saying is, whoever you are, don’t regret, or feel ashamed or negative with yourself. Because everyone has dark thoughts, and everyone has had dark experiences, but through those they become unique, and frankly fascinating, and it makes for some truly beautiful art.

Create art that is you! And from that you will be able to accept the meaning of events. x

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